Duck is a person in long-term recovery – This is part of his story
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So some of the ways that you found that the alcohol/ that the substance abuse affected your relationship.
Okay, so I recall money, and us not being able to pay bills. Basically, you weren’t there, emotionally, physically, mentally. It affected me pretty badly, myself emotionally, financially, with the kids. It was just, it was hard being around it. Knowing what was going on and really not being able to do anything about it.
Duck, did you know that it was creating any of this things?
I probably knew somewhere inside that it was affecting you this way. I mean financially and everything like that. It was, my addiction was bigger than that and it was out of control. And it just, you know, nothing mattered, I was just empty inside. It just, I didn’t care, I just didn’t care about anything.
I know that’s hard to hear, I’m sorry, but that’s where I was. I’m sorry.
When did you split up?
It was the first week of June 2011.
Talk about that day, remembering what that was like with each other.
I remember that day actually. It was the night we have been out and I have been complaining and asking for just some sort of emotion, something, just some sort of I guess emotion to come out. To try and get something, go like just to figure some things out. And he basically just got nothing, we just gonna have any kind of relationship whatever and I kinda left to see if there, If I could find or draw some sort of attention, some sort of emotion, some sort of anything. And I got nothing, for a very long time. And it just, it grew into a longer period of time than I even thought that it would. My daughter and myself left, and Josh and you stayed.
Duck, how did, what place did you need to get to, before you take/took enough responsibility that you knew there was a problem and that you took yourself into treatment?
That’s an ugly story. I went, after she left, I just I went off a deep end and just I took a free ride.
That’s when I started IV using. I started with shooting pills, but I couldn’t afford the pills. So I started shooting heroine. Sold everything, you know that, I mean. My entire inheritance, I sold. I reduced myself down, till I had to start selling heroine. I was traveling to Baltimore every other day to pick up an ounce of heroine, bring it back. I was living in a hotel. It was a terrible existence. And it got to a point, I was shooting meth and heroine at the same time, with this stupid prostitute we hooked up and just started dealing drugs out of the hotel room. And I, I didn’t wanna exist.
And then the next thing I know, I woke up, and she was doing CPR on me. And she’s a hideous freaking troll, and I realized that that breath that I just exhaled came from her, and I was like, okay, I’m into deep. I’m in over my head, I don’t wanna die, I thought I did, but I didn’t. I did not want to die. And I, I went to my mom’s house and I called for help. I may have picked up the phone, and just called the first number in the phonebook and called for help. Cause I didn’t wanna die.
So when you finally got to here, I still was not sure if there was a chance for us to get back together. I didn’t think that you could actually ever kick it. Or change. But as the time frame that you are here, I saw different things happening. I heard the old you again coming back out. So that kind of gave me hope. And talking to different people, talking to Monica, talking to you over the phone, I always knew that there was a good side. Just the bad side had pretty well over taken everything. So I saw that part coming out again, and I figured, family weekend came around and I checked plane tickets. And for the three of us to come here was like less than $300. So I kind of took it as a sign, and we came. But I’ll be honest, I never really thought that it would happen but it did. So we just do now, day to day and move forward.
Is there anything for you Duck, that you experienced that you kept in mind the whole time while you’re at Into Action that was helping you to keep going?
While I was here, I mean I’ve been to other treatment centers, but while I was here, they actually made me go to work. I had to go to work on myself and there was a lot of work I had to do, a lot of things I have to work through. But I remember the day I was sitting in my therapist office and I did the third step and I just surrendered. I just surrendered and I said, “What do I have to do to just be me again and then be whole and not be empty”. After I truly did that, I was honest with myself and my therapist. I just, things started happening, I started feeling better, I started moving forward. I always had hope that we’ll get back together. That was always, always in my mind. And I had no clue that you guys were coming down. That was a big surprise, and I remembered vividly sitting in the circle on family weekend and they were right in the middle of process group and Andre said we have a surprise visitor. And my family walked through the door. I didn’t know, I just said, “There is my family”. It was very powerful when I think about that. After everything I’ve done and been through, and then you guys walked through the door. That was a big deal.
And then I knew I could be me again, I knew I could.
Kelley, did you, when you came, did you see a change?
Yeah, I actually heard the change, on the phone, after talking to you for a while and realized that it was real this time and things were changing. And when we came in, I saw the old him again, I mean it has always been there, we wouldn’t be together for 25 years now, 26 been together. So, I saw it, always knew it was there, just had to find it again.
I love you.
I love you.
You wanna give each other a hug?
He does, I don’t, I’m not hugging.